Lifestyles of the poor and nameless

A friend and I had a pretty interesting discussion about the best way to get rid of a person that you're dating but don't like "in that way".

My friend suggested that the best way is avoidance. She says that if you don't return the person's phone calls and you generally ignore them, they'll usually get the hint. I agree, but I hate when people do that.

The best-case scenario (in my mind) is when you just tell the person: "I'm just not that into you". Unfortunately, easier said than done. How do you manufacture a conversation that will allow you to say something like that? Do you start with "I've been thinking...." or "I want to talk to you about something...."? Especially when the person has no clue that there's a problem. Hmmm. I've been meaning to have such a conversation with someone for a few weeks, but I never quite know how to bring the conversation around to that topic.

So, being the coward that I am, I attempted "avoidance" and "distance", but neither one worked because I couldn't go the extra mile and just not return phone calls. If he were rude or disgusting, I wouldn't feel guilty about ignoring him. He's a respectable guy....just not the one for me...so I find it difficult to be rude to him.

I guess I've been hoping that if I don't put any effort into our "friendship", then he will notice and say "hey...is everything OK?" or maybe he would just notice that he's the one who always initiates things, and when he points that out, I can say "well actually....I don't think this is going to work out."

Maybe this works for me because when I'm dating someone, I really try not to make assumptions about their feelings. So even though it may seem obvious that the person likes me, I assume that isn't the case until I actually hear them say it. And if they're acting "distant", I'm going to ask about it.

I think this quote is appropriate in light of this week's Top Model episode.

"All those bony women give me the creeps. They just look like coathangers."----Robert Crumb,

Cartoonist famous for drawings of voluptuous women,on women in the fashion industry.

I know that cell phones are pretty common in our society...seems like everyone has one and they're always yakking away at inopportune moments...or the phone rings at the worst times.
But does the commonplace nature of cell phones give people the right to just cut you off when you're in the middle of a conversation? (especially when they're interrupting your daytime minutes?!)

The train was on the platform waiting to leave. I had about 6 minutes before we left the station. I was on my phone talking to my dad. I walked onto the train, still speaking to him. Then I decided "no need to sit inside yakking away for all to hear, when I can stand on the platform as I wait for the train to leave". A man saw me walk on and walk off the train. He saw that I was on the phone. He then proceeded to interrupt my conversation to ask me why I got off the train. But of course, I couldn't really understand what he was saying, so I asked him to repeat it a couple times. When I finally figured out what he was saying, I told him "I got off the train because I'm talking on my cell phone." He said "oh" and walked away.

Ugh. Somehow that just seems so rude to me. This is not the first time it's happened. I'll be minding my own business, engaged in conversation, and someone will interrupt me to ask some trivial thing. If it's an emergency, then I will interrupt someone, but with all these people all over the place, why would I pick the one who is obviously busy?

The other pet peeve of mine....even more egregious than the cell-phone-interrupter, is the person who stands right next to you and starts smoking. How rude can you be? I remember one time I was using a pay phone and a guy started using the pay phone right next to mine. Next thing I know, he lights a cigarette and starts puffing away. I mean, really. It's bad enough that the unwritten smoker's handbook mandates smoking in doorways, such that non-smokers must pass through clouds of smoke to get to their desired locations, but must they be so insensitive as to bring the smoke right to me, forcing me to move?!

For the record, I started coughing away while I was at that payphone with the smoker and he ignored me. I then asked him to put it out and he pretended he couldn't hear me. Rude! I think that would have been a good Seinfeld episode. Maybe I will walk around with a pocket fan and aim it at the smokers when they stand near me.

Great song, wasn't it? I think it was by UB40...a throwback to the mid-90s. Anywho, I recently came across a friend's blog, in which she stated: "you can't help who you fall in love with". I started to think about that statement.

Movies, books, media, and other people often seem to agree with that statement. However, being an Aquarius, I am prone to be somewhat heartless (lol), and therefore I have a hard time completely agreeing with that statement.

Don't get me wrong, I think that love is all-consuming, and once you get into it, you'd be hard-pressed to get out of it. I know I've spent many sleepless nights crying over some idiot, and cursing my heart's foolishness. However, I still think that it could have been avoided.

Before you actually got to that all-consuming, head over heels phase, there was a time when your feelings really weren't that strong. For some people, this span of time is just a moment. For others, it's a few weeks/months/years. But, it exists.

All those times when you thought "well, I don't really know if I like him/her" or "he/she is cool, but we'll see"... those were times you could have prevented the eventual relationship. Meanwhile, you keep hanging out with the person and having a good time. Next thing you know, you're in love and don't know how to act. It is my heartless contention that you were in control of your emotions during all that time, you just chose to ignore it. Now, at the 11th hour, you're a slave to your emotions.

Chances are, he/she was a cheater/obnoxious person/crazy/ before you got to that love phase. You knew it, but ignored it, or talked yourself out of it by saying "well, it's not that bad" or "he/she will change".

Isn't it ironic that we "can't help who we fall in love with", but still, most people never "happen" to fall in love with obese people, those they find unattractive, very short men, or ? Hmmm. Most people just tend to stay away from some conditions. Which seems to imply that we CAN help who we fall in love with....we just choose not to.

What do you think?

Today I sat at my desk and for some reason I noticed that my hands were shaking. I inhaled, exhaled and got back to my work...a major project is due tomorrow.

My mind kept drifting back to a friend's comment yesterday: "I have this picture of you, and your face is really slim. How long ago was that?" I told him it was last year at graduation. He got quiet. I knew what he was thinking: You gained all that weight in a year? What the heck have you been doing? In the back of my mind, I've been aware of it, but it always sucks to have someone point these things out (as my mom is so fond of doing).

So despite the looming deadline, I found myself making a list of "my major life changes" that I've been through within the past calendar year. Psychologists say that major life changes (even positive ones like starting a new job) are considered stressors. Too many of these stressors will increase the probability of illness/accident. So here's my timeline (May 2004- May 2005)

1. Law School Graduation: 5/23/04
2. Study for bar exam: 5/25- 7/27
3. Sick with the flu: 7/25- 7/30
4. 2 bar exams: 7/27 & 7/28
5. Job search: 8/1- 9/20
6. Start 2 part time jobs: 10/1
7. Accept offer for job in another state: 11/14
8. Quit both part-time jobs: 11/15
9. Receive notice of failure for both bar exams: 11/15- 11/17
10. Apartment-hunting in new state: 11/15- 12/08
11. Move in with family friend in new state: 12/12
12. Start new job: 12/13
13. Study for February bar exam: 12/20-2/21
14. Take Feb exam: 2/22 & 2/23
15. Car accident: 2/26
16. Apartment search: 2/27- 3/6
17. Move into new apartment: 3/15
18. Car accident (Hit & Run, car totaled): 3/28
19. Court date: 4/28
20. Prepare for July Bar exam: 5/01- 7/27
21. Look for & purchase new car: 4/01-?
22. Receive February bar exam results: May '05

In the background, silent but omnipresent, has been the J.O.B. with its deadlines and schedules.
On the real psychology scale, maybe 5-10 of these will qualify as stressful major life events. Each one is assigned a point value. Based on the score, you can predict the likelihood of illness/accident within the next two years. Ironically, no point value is assigned for the accidents themselves. Hmmmm.

Do your own checklist :http://psychology.about.com/library/weekly/aa053101a.htm

I'm trying to clean up/maintain my credit, and investing/attempting long term savings. To that end, I implemented phase 1 of my plan: decrease the APRs on my credit cards.

I have always heard people say that it's easy to get a lower APR on your credit card; I just never really believed it. Granted, it's not like they take off 5% or anything (at least they didn't for me), but in the long run, going from 9.96% to 8.96% will be worth it if I have to carry a balance on my card. I think I will try to call in annually and see if they'll lower my rates. :-).

That's Panhandler finance tip #1- Call your credit card companies and get lower APRs today!

Hip hip hooray! It's Friday. Was it just me or did this week FLY by?. It didn't seem to be flying when I was at my desk praying to be at home, but in retrospect, things moved quickly. I wish there was a way to slow down the weekend.

It's April 15. Did you do your taxes? I've been struggling with them for weeks and now the 11th hour has arrived. I finally thought I finished them last night, only to realize that I might have used the wrong form. By the way, don't ever move in the middle of the year...and if you do, don't earn any money until the next year has started. My tax woes were compounded by the fact that I had to file federal, PA AND NY tax. Trying to figure out how to offset the money I earned and paid PA tax on was nothing short of nightmarish. I did it all myself, and somehow it seems like I'm entitled to refunds. That just doesn't seem right. So if I disappear for a while, it could mean that the I.R.S. got me.

My favorite part of doing the taxes was mailing them off. I didn't have any pre-printed IRS envelopes and the odd size of the W-2s prevent the forms from fitting in a regular A10 envelope. So I made my own envelope out of oversized paper and I taped it together. I hope they don't think it's a letter bomb or something....it did look pretty bootleg.

Subway was out of wheat AND honey oat bread...it's a C-O-N-Spiracy!

I have finally ended my torrid love affair with Dunkin' Donuts' Sausage and Egg Croissant sandwiches. I have substituted healthy things like grapefruits, yogurt and apples for breakfast. My new addiction is the oven roasted chicken breast sandwich on Honey Oat from Subway. It's a rather expensive habit, so we'll see how long that lasts.

OK, so it wasn't a Tae Bo evening. It ended up being a bike-riding, Ab-lounging, Top Model with Boris Kodjoe evening. By the way, if you didn't see this week's episode, I strongly advise you to catch it tomorrow at 8pm. Tyra Banks got neck-poppin', eye-rollin', finger-snappin' BLACK on a girl. lol. That was priceless.

Moving right along...my friend D and I had an interesting discussion last night and I'm curious to find out what other people think. In a nutshell, many people we know (mainly older women) subscribe to the notion that in order for a relationship to be successful, the man should have stronger feelings than the woman.

I've heard this for as long as I can remember, but honestly I'm still in denial about it. Even though my own experiences seem to indicate that it's true, I'm reluctant to adopt it. I haven't met a single guy who says "yes, I want to care more than the object of my affection", but I guess actions speak louder than words. What do you think?

About 2 days ago I started reading the latest John Grisham book, "The Broker". I just finished it. I thought it was a great book. Of course, I'm so starved for reading these days, that most books seem "great" to me, so you may not want to take my word for it.

"The Broker" wasn't any different to the majority of Grisham's legal suspense novels. With the exceptions of "Bleachers", "A Painted Hourse" and "Skipping Christmas", his books pretty much adhere to the formula:Lawyer (or former lawyer) gets caught up in a scandal involving $1 million or more. The lawyer's life is endangered because of the scandal and he spends the better part of the novel on the run and/or trying to clear his name. Lawyer may have been a womanizer of sorts prior to the scandal, but inevitably, there will be one woman who makes a difference. Lawyer outsmarts all his foes and/or exonerates himself and then disappears into the sunset with the money and his lady love.

Don't get me wrong...he tells the stories well. Once I get caught up, Imust keep reading until the very end, even though I know what's going to happen. I wonder if the stories would be as effective if the lead lawyer were a woman on the run from the CIA or something.

Anywho...as I was flipping through TV channels, I came across the movie"50 First Dates" with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler. I had wanted to see it for quite a while, but couldn't bring myself to rent it. So I sat there and watched and I was disappointed (if you don't want to hear about the ending, stop reading now)

The premise of the movie is that Drew Barrymore permanently lost her short term memory when she got into a car accident. So every night when she goes to sleep, her memory resets and she thinks that she's starting the same day all over again. The passage of time doesn't register with her. Aside from that, she's completely normal. Adam Sandler sees her and decides that he's in love with her. Every day, he flirts with her and takes her out, then the next day she forgets that she met him, and they start over. He makes video tapes of the times when they are together so that each day she can be "briefed" on their progress.

In the end, they get married and have a child, and she still doesn't remember things, so he keeps making videos to remind her of the wedding and the fact that she had the baby (who is about 4 years old by then).

So was this a testament to the wonders of love, or a painful reminder of what single people are missing?

By the way...is it just me, or has Tiger Woods become sexy all of a sudden? He was always cute in a strange kind of way but now it's like WHOA.

On that note, I think I'll be spending another evening with my new boyfriend Billy Blanks, courtesy of Tae Bo.

I think it must be a full moon or something, because my friends are acting rather strange.

Sunday night I was talking to a friend and his cell phone cut off. It cut off again twice in the course of our conversation. After the last time, another friend of mine called, and I actually had to take that phone call. Friend #1 called back and I told him that I was going to take that other call. I think I must have said something smartass like "the hotline is open, take a number". But that's just me being silly (as usual) and not trying to imply "I'm so important".

The next day I get an email from him saying that he was mad at me for saying that, he hates when people play games with him and he felt like that's what I was doing; also that I shouldn't have called him and talked to him for 2 minutes and then left. OK, EWWWW.

I have known this guy for about 10 months. To me, he's purely a platonic friend. Purely. Keep in mind that I had already talked to him for an hour earlier in the day. Maybe I shouldn't have been a smartass and said the whole take a number thing, but honestly, that was just my sarcasm. I didn't see the need for him to accuse me of playing games. This is the second time he has accused me of that. The first was when he wanted to hang out with me, but I told him I couldn't because I was studying for the bar exam. I told him I wasn't going out until after the test was over (about a month and a half). He thought that was a bogus excuse not to hang out. When I'm studying for the bar, I tend not to go out at all. That's just me though.

So I sent an email apologizing for the comment, but reminding him that I can't have him questioning my integrity every couple months. If a person has known me for that long and they still think that's what I'm about, then they can take that where? Back there. (Wendy Williams, y'all!) Ugh. Can't we all just get along?!

Well, no it's not raining men, at least not in my life...but wasn't that a great song? I went out twice this weekend. These were my first "dates" since last September.

Good food, good company, generally a good time. Problem? It made me realize how much I miss having "a special someone" in my life :-(; and I think I added to my insecurity complex. Trying to find something to wear reminded me that I need to get back to the gym >:(.

I think a round of Tae Bo is in order this evening. If nothing else, then at least 30 minutes on the bike. In a strange way, I'm looking forward to the next lock-down, study-thon for the bar exam. At least when I'm knee-deep in books, I don't have tothink about "the dating game". :-\.

I made a few resolutions on January 1st. Since one-third of the year isnow behind us, I thought I'd measure my progress.

1. Get in shape: well, as soon as I was finished with my bar exam and moved into my own place, I sought out the gym. I wasn't too excited by it, but at least it was something. However, because I no longer have a car, the bus is unpredictable, and there is too much highway area around me, I have to cancel my membership at the gym. There is another gym within walking distance from my house. Their equipment is way more modern, but the facility is tiny. It's like if I decided to make a public gym in my living room. They don't have any classes, but they are also cheaper than the other gym. I bought a bicycle recently (yes, I ride it. Stop laughing!) and since the weather is getting warmer, I guess I'll get plenty of exercise. I also have a VCR so I can do my Tae Bo at home. First I need to relinquish my latest addiction: sausage and egg (no cheese...like that will save me) on a croissant from Dunkin'Donuts. I feel that my pants are cutting off my circulation as I sithere, so I definitely need to get moving. Or learn to accept my "wobblybits" as Bridgette Jones would say.

2. Become more spiritual: I am sad to say that I think I've become lessspiritual as the year has progressed. I'm not exactly sure how or why that happened. It's not that I'm out there doing bad things or even that I've lost faith in God...I just feel like maybe God has "lost faith" in me. Don't know if that makes sense, but there it is. I don't yet know how to fix it. I am attending a Bible study group that meets at work on a weekly basis. I think I need a daily group. Maybe an hourly group.

3. Become more social: The beginning of social life is confidence in your look. If you don't look good, you won't feel good and you won't want to go out. This is my current situation. I need to find a hairdresser, because running back to NYC to get my hair done is a NO. Usually that comes through word of mouth....except for the fact that I haven't really come across any women of color at work whose hair I admire enough to inquire about. Some of them are downright scary....and I'm not trying to trek deep into NJ for a hairdresser, because if that's the case, I might as well just go back to NYC to the people I know. Then there's the fact that I need to buy some clothes for the new weather, but can't afford to (thanks to a whopping $300 deduction named "pension" and "new employee back pension owed" that I will have for the next 6 paychecks). What happened to the clothes I had before? Well, since I was a hermit, and/or working every summer, I have clothes to go to work during the summer. That's about it. Argh. I miss my car.

4. Get rid of stupid men: Well, I think I managed to eliminate the patently stupid. After taking notes on "he's just not that into you", I felt empowered. I got rid of the stupid ones and the ones who just were not that into me. Now I have these 3 that I don't think I'm that "into". For a while, I wasn't really sure what was missing. They all seem like nice guys, but for some reason we're just not "connecting". There's always this undertone of "I'm happy to just get by". I don't like to tell them about what I'm doing or planning, because it seems like I'm trying to show off...which I'm not. But they don't really inspire me to want more. Isn't it bad when you can't accept a person asthey are? I know I'm not perfect. Maybe I'm too picky. And then there's the cultural thing.
These guys are all American. My Caribbean brothas are such a headache, but I love them. Unfortunately, they have their own issues. I will refrain from my diatribe about Haitian and Jamaican dudes. Trinis, I love y'all the best, but y'all can be some sneaky mofos. I need to meet a guy from a place people don't hear too much about like Antigua or St. Vincent or something. My parents' country is Grenada, and unless there's a natural disaster or U.S. invasion, you don't hear about them either.

5. Pass the bar by 2005 or find a new hustle: this one I have no control over. Still awaiting results of the last exam. I am planning to take the NJ bar in July. Win or lose, I don't want to waste any more of my life or money on these exams.

6. Develop at least one business plan before the end of the year: the business plan for my magazine is underway, and my book is progressing nicely. I would like to send out the research surveys for my book within the next month. Anything to get me out of the rat race.All in all, I think I have quite a bit of work to do if I plan to meet these resolutions.*Sigh* I'll check in again in August.

I recently saw this quote in the newspaper: "The only problem with thatis there aren't too many two-legged cows."--- Doug Mosier, spokesman forthe Border Patrol in El Paso, Texas.

Mr. Mosier was describing a situation in which some migrants attached cow hooves to their feet to disguise their footprints as they tried tosneak into the country.

I thought this was pretty hilarious. Imagine a bunch of people walking around with cow hooves tied to their shoes. They think they're being pretty slick by disguising their footprints...but they're really dumb, because cows have 4 legs, not 2.

Hey, it doesn't take much to amuse me :-).

Do you do "word find" puzzles? If so, do you circle whole words, or do you circle individual letters within each word?

I watched a woman on the train do a word find. When she started, the page was devoid of any markings. Just a bunch of letters in a square pattern. As she recognized individual words, she would triumphantly circle each letter within the word. When she got off the train 20 minutes later, just about every single letter was circled, but you still couldn't see the words.

Now I know that once you finish the puzzle you discard it, so technically it doesn't matter if you can find the words again....but it just seems strange to me.

Too much free time on my hands? Maybe.

Papabile (pronounced pap-a-bull) is the term used to describe a person who is in consideration for appointment as Pope. It's a rather interesting looking word, wouldn't you say? When I see "bile" I usually think of vomit, but that's neither here nor there.

I mention this because, as you are undoubtedly aware, the Pope passed away this past Saturday. Although I'm Catholic, the Pope never really had any significance to me. For most of the time that I've been aware that the Pope existed, he was sick and frail. I have no recollection of "the Great Pope John Paul II" because for the last decade or so, I've only heard of his various illnesses and not his amazing feats. It's only within the past week that I've come to understand the importance of the Papal role to the Catholic church. Yet, this leaves a few questions:

1. We can't say that JP II's death came as a surprise. The man was ailing for a long time. Why wasn't a successor chosen previously? Why was he still kept in the Papal role even though he could barely speak?

2. Will we get a Black pope now?

3. Why are both potential successors over 70 years old?

As a matter of fact, question number 3 goes beyond just the Pope situation. Many politicians and civic leaders are advanced in age. What is that all about? Although these potential successors are in seemingly good health, what are the odds of them living another 20 years? What about selecting a person who's in his 40s or even 50s?

I've known my best friend for about 7 years. For the past three years, he's had a problem with his nerves; sometimes his hands shake uncontrollably. He is 5'11 and weighs 142 lbs., down from 155 a year ago. For some reason, he just keeps losing weight and is starting to look frail. Since he didn't have health insurance, he never got checked out. Well, he finally got insurance and went to the doctor. He had several blood tests done to determine the problem.

Last night, I got an email from him (the longest email he's ever sent me), which basically said that he got the results of his blood work and he has bone cancer. He did not say what the prognosis was, but judging by the fact that he was "saying goodbye", I assumed that the outlook was bleak. In the email, he asked me not to speak to any of our friends about it, because he wasn't ready to share the news. I felt physically weak, and I kept reading it over and over to make sure it was real. I cried when understanding finally set in. He's only 26 years old. It's never a good thing to hear that your friends are seriously ill, but it always seems cruel to find out that someone so young could be facing death.

After I managed to compose myself somewhat, I called him. We talked about it for about 35 minutes. I couldn't help myself, I started to cry again. He said if I didn't stop crying, then he would start. So I told him I had to get off the phone. Just as I was about to go, he said "Wait. How does it feel to be punked?"

I thought that maybe he was trying to lighten the atmosphere by pretending it wasn't real. I got off the phone. He called me back about 40 minutes later and said that he's sorry, the whole thing was just a joke. "April Fool!". Never mind the fact that there's nothing funny at all about cancer, and April Fool's Day was 2 days prior.

My emotions turned 180 degrees. Who the f!@# makes a joke like that? He types slow as hell, so I know it must have taken him a good 30 minutes to write that email. Didn't his conscience kick in at any time and tell him that it's just plain wrong to joke about death? Suppose I would have read that and had a heart attack? On one hand, I'm glad to know that he's not really sick. On the other hand, I'm extremely hurt and disappointed that he would make a "joke" like that with anybody, especially me. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. True to form, the angrier I became, the more defensive he became. It got to the point where at times he was yelling "I said I was sorry!". With all the drama I'm dealing with from the car accident and work, this was really the last thing I needed.

It's shocking how fast trust can be lost. Once the dust settled, the sole thought in my head was: "I never would have thought him capable of something sick like that...but he did it. And if he could do that, do I really want to stick around and see what else he's capable of?" It's one thing for a friend to borrow your favorite possession and completely wreck it. You'll be upset, but accidents happen, and you'll get over it. It's a completely different story for a friend to hijack your emotions by feigning terminal illness, under the guise of a "joke". It seems crazy to think that 7 years of friendship can be eliminated with one sophomoric act. Maybe I just need to sit on it for a while.

You may have been wondering where I've been for the past week. I wish I could blame my disappearance on something as mundane as writer's block, but no...life took a turn for the unwelcome last week.

I left work a little early last Monday....just because. As I was driving home from the train station, I got into a car accident. Both cars were in the intersection; the driver of the other car looked like he was going to pull over to the side of the road so that we could begin the information exchange, etc. Imagine my surprise when he just sped off! A few people who saw the wreckage took off after him, but he was speedy and elusive and he got away.

A police officer found his car a few hours later. A brief interview with the driver revealed that he did not have insurance, inspection or registration for the car. For fleeing the scene of the crime and not having the proper paperwork, the police hit him with approximately $1,000 in fines and a class 3 misdemeanor. However, the officer also decided (even though he was not at the accident when it happened and there were no eyewitnesses) that I deserved a citation for "failing to yield the right-of-way" WTF?!

Yes, I was making a left turn, and technically a driver in his position would have the right of way, but I was already in the intersection and there was traffic all around me. There was no place to yield to. I never knew that having the right of way precludes use of discretion. Had there been a pedestrian in the intersection, he surely would have plowed right through them. At that speed, he would have seriously injured someone.

I have also learned that insurance is b.s. My insurance company has decided (without even examining the scene or the damage to the cars) that I was wrong and they have to pay to fix the other guy's car. WHAT?! Since when does a person get to hit someone else, flee the scene and then have the victim's insurance pay for their damage? For all we know, the guy could have been drinking, and he fled because he didn't want a DUI on top of everything else. Or maybe he wasn't drinking, but either way...HE hit ME! I always thought that insurance companies hated to pay. I didn't realize that they were in the business of giving away money.

To add insult to injury, the insurance has also determined that the cost of fixing the car is more than the value of the car, so they have written it off. Since I can't afford to buy another car, and I'm really not too enthralled with driving at this point, I think I'm just going to buy a bicycle. On a bicycle, I will always have the right of way. So there!

Now I have to go to court to fight this stupid citation for an accident that wasn't even my fault. Oh Drama.